It's been a long time since I've updated, apparently. I wish I could say it was because I've just been having too much fun, but alas, that is not the case.
Crystal is still struggling with her addiction, which frankly I expected. She's doing better than I thought she would, to be honest, but she's still using the pills. I'm out of work quite a bit due to her anxiety and postpartum, so we have very, very little money coming in. I try to work as much as I can, but it's hard when your wife could have a panic attack at any moment and needs you to be there to watch the kids. They still stress her out very quickly and she can't always deal with them by herself.
So we no money coming in, we can't really pay our bills or pay rent. Super! I think we're finally getting evicted this month. We have help through the county, but that only goes so far. It's designed to assist us, not give us a free ride. The apartment hasn't filed the papers on us yet, but I think they are going to do that tomorrow if we can't come up with at least $300.00 to pay them by tonight. Yeah, that's not going to happen. We've run out of people to borrow money from. Why would anyone loan us money if there really isn't any hope of getting it back in the near future?
Crystal is still trying desperately to find a job. We both think that could be the best thing possible for her right now. The county is going to give us child care assistance, so that we can both work full time jobs during the day. That's the only way we're going to get out of the rut we're in, I think. The problem is that no one is hiring in the down economy, or at least no one that she could work for. She has a bad back so she can't do retail or work at a gas station or anything that would have her standing for a full shift. Ironically she got the bad back from years working retail and at gas stations. Har-de-fucking-har.
In less depressing news, Oliver is about to crawl! He's not quite there yet, but he's starting doing one or two 'crawl steps' at a time. I predict he'll be fully mobile by the end of the month. October is apparently a fortuitous month for my children. Evelyn first started walking in October, and now Oliver is going to start crawling. Huzzah! It also happens to be my favorite month and favorite time of year. More reasons to love October are never a bad thing.
I started a Biggest Loser contest at work, to finally try and bust my ass into better shape. I'm one of those fat guys that always has a plan, that always thinks he's going to lose weight "in the near future." Well, I'll be 27 in 18 days, and I've been fat for 20 of those years. I think my plans may not be working. I'm hoping that this contest could actually do it for me, since not only will I be motivated by the competition of trying to crush my coworkers, but there's cash money for the winner. $90 for first place, which is what I have my sights firmly set on. This is my third day in the contest, and I've been to the gym for the past two. I think I can do the same tonight. I've made a promise to myself to go everyday, no exceptions. It's the only way I'm going to win and the only way to keep myself on track.
To coincide with the exercise, I've also started a diet. I don't do well on normal diets, like restricting what I can or can not eat. I'm just too much of a rationalizer and a cheater to be successful. Thus, my new diet has been born:
EAT LESS, YOU FUCKING TWAT.
That's it. No restrictions on carbs, sodium, calories, or whatever. Just simple, stupid math. Eating less of the foods I normally gorge on equals less calories, carbs, sodium, and whatever automatically. Once I get my appetites and cravings under control I can begin to worry about fine-tuning what I shouldn't be eating and replacing it with healthier food. For now, I know I am guaranteed to lose weight with just not consuming the ridiculous amount of food I am capable of eating.
So far it's truly been harder than I expected. I am very much an addict in every way Crystal is. The tricks my mind plays on me and the things I can get myself to do astound me. The physical hunger pangs while my stomach shrinks a bit are one thing and are totally expected. The mental anguish I feel is something else entirely. It almost made me cry to throw away some pizza slices that Crystal didn't want to save. I really mean it. Putting them down the garbage disposal was way harder than it had to be.
I don't really get it. I've been on diets that have lasted longer than this before, until I finally broke, but I don't remember the addiction being so strong. I can't help but think it has to do with my current stress level and how shitty my life has been. I've turned to food to comfort me a lot more lately, which I guess is only natural for a fat dude, so that has to be it. Ugh.
I know I can break myself of this, it's just much harder than I thought it was going to be going in. I decided that I'm going to do a weekly post with my weight and body fat to track how I'm doing. If I share with blogpeoples, it will give me another reason to try and succeed.
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Hi Snath, I'm Danica.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain in ways that I honestly wish I did not. Post pardum,check. Food addict/comfort eater, check. Serious fucking money problems, check. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do. The thing I keep telling myself is: left foot - right foot - repeat ... and don't lose your sense of humour.
Also (not that I was asked for my opinion ... but here it is for free) be good to you. Be nice. The pain that you are feeling over your situation sends all kinds of crazy chemical imbalances all over your body ... you WILL crave comfort by way of food. If you try to ignore it, your new plan will fail ... trust me, I have failed every single diet I have tried... I know what doesn't work.
You need to try to clean out your system of your sugar cravings either with some crap from a healthfood store or by eating only lean protein and veggies for three straight days - No fat. No carbs. No sugar Then slowly introduce them back. With loads of water, it WILL help with the craving.
It isn't much, but I am seriously routing for you. Best of luck ... with everything.
PS - has your wife ever tried something like Avon or something of the like (scrap book parties/cadles/tupperware)? As dorky as it sounds, those home parties etc are awesome for the confidence building ... and it's some money ... just a thought.
Good luck!
D
i was wondering why you hadn't updated us, but i didn't want to pry. i really hope all goes well for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteand good luck on being the biggest loser. a couple of years ago, a friend and i competed. he was on the crystal meth diet and i developed bulimia. he won. but then ended up beating an 80 years old man with a shovel, so who's the real winner here?
Good to hear from you, Snath! Hope things start looking up for you and yours; you've got lots of friends rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with the competition--and please keep us posted, as I could use the motivation myself !*struggles to remember last time she darkened the door of her local gym, and resolves to follow the patented Snath diet*
Here's something I read about a thousand years ago, that really helped me out a lot at that time (and which I maybe need to do again to get rid of the 20 pounds I've gained in the last year and a half): add the good stuff before trying to get rid of the bad stuff. Like in addition to your lunch, have a salad; in addition to your afternoon snack, have a piece of fruit; in addition to your pizza slice for dinner, have some raw vege as a side. Lots of people have a hard time when they just switch them out, but if you have both, you don't feel like you're just forcing yourself to give up things you like, and it's easier to wean yourself off them that way.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought, and it worked for me; the oatmeal I started having for breakfast filled me up so I didn't feel like a snack before lunch, and I started having smaller portions for lunch because of the addition of the salad. I feel like where dieting is concerned, you need to find what works for you, because everybody's different. Danica's idea may work better for you (and may be something I'll try right now to kick start me. That, or gp's meth diet). Actually, I find my biggest problem is exercise. I need to find some motivation to get off my damn lazy ass and talk a frickin' walk once in a while.
Anyway, good luck, and I'm rooting for you too! And for Crystal. My pseudo-hubby has chronic back issues (mainly from being 6.5 feet tall), and has a hard time with work because of it as well. He's currently working a retail job where he works 6 hour shifts 6 days a week- full time enough to maintain benefits, but his shifts aren't so long as to screw around with his back. Also, they are aware of his issues, and give him time to sit down for short breaks during his shifts. Has she tried finding something like that? Something kind of semi-full time, where they're understanding enough to give her some breaks?
Good grief, I seriously write the longest blog comments ever. I am horrifying. Sorry! I just want to be helpful! We're here for you, buddy! Good luck with everything!